erfectionism or the striving for flawlessness is sometimes a praised trait in our society but beneath the high achievers and goal seekers lies a potentially dangerous behavior. People suffering from it tend to be unhappy, procrastinate, avoid tasks (out of fear), are highly critical of others or themselves, set unrealistic standards, tend to have low self-esteem, and are fear-driving.
The American Psychology Association (APA) defines perfectionism as:
n. the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation. It is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems. — perfectionist adj., n.
The two forms of perfectionism
But there are two different kinds of perfectionists, one can be a source of subjective strength and enable you to achieve remarkable things in life, that’s the as I like to call it — healthy perfectionism- or adaptive perfectionism.
And then there’s the maladaptive perfectionism or -unhealthy perfectionism-.
The great tragedy or toxicness of this perfectionist is that they want to be successful but aren’t able to. People suffering from maladaptive perfectionism, have really high standards and want to achieve extraordinary things with their life, unfortunately, that pressure and fear of failing often freeze them. For a long time, it stopped me from trying because the possibility of failing is too high.
It’s not uncommon to have a belief system where there is only fear, their world is full of potential threats and people that can discover your flaws. To survive you must camouflage yourself and earn your place. Unconditional love doesn’t exist, love is something that you can only earn. The same beliefs apply to self-worth and love. Validation comes only from the outside and failing is perceived as a tragedy rather than as an opportunity to grow.
Some situations may trigger your inner maladaptive perfectionist such as work interviews, exams, evaluations, talking in front of people,… basically, every situation where your intelligence, abilities, and even your looks might be judged.
To sums things up, being a maladaptive perfectionist means that you believe it or not, achieve less and stress more. You are left with dreams that seem so unachievable that you feel less… and all the negative feelings start to multiply.
No wonder that people suffering from maladaptive perfectionism, frequently are accompanied by anxiety, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression and even suicidal impulses.
Here are some signs you may have maladaptive perfectionism:
- Procrastination
Do you avoid important tasks or leave them to the very end? - Avoidance / Multitasking
Do you avoid a task or tend to “not give a sh*t” and multitask, like watching a movie while doing your homework, etc. - You are highly critical
Does your inner critic work 24/7 and sounds something like this:
“Last week you should have said “fascinating” instead of “interesting”.”
“You look awful in that outfit.”
etc. - You have high standards
Having high standards is a good thing, but are your standards achievable? Remember that from time to time you can always adjust them! - You tend to have a low self-esteem
You usually seek approval from outside and not within. - You are Defensive
Because you have such high standards and low self-esteem it’s not uncommon to be scared of failure… Soooo you take constructive critics really bad — defensively- and tend to be hurt by it. - Fear is your constant companion
Fear of failing, fear of being an imposter, etc. can be a sign that you are an unhealthy perfectionist. - All or nothing mindset
You rather not try something if you don’t have the guarantee of being perfect, and if you do, and you’re not happy with the results you are crushed.
Fortunately, there are solutions to problems!
If you recognize yourself within some or all signs don’t worry, it may take time and effort, but there are ways and solutions to your thoughts, belief systems, and behaviors as a maladaptive perfectionist.
- Your first step is to accept.
I know this one can be difficult, but if you are aware of your problems you can solve them!
Since accepting that you are not perfect can be difficult (I’ve been there) I recommend trying Meditation. I would recommend trying Mindfulness and detached Mindfulness meditations. This form of meditation can be helpful for anxiety and depression as well and has tons of advantages.
I find that a Mindfulness practice brings you back into the moment, helps you to push your thoughts aside, and detach from them.
Mindfulness and meditation made me more resilient, calm, and at peace within myself. This gave me the strength to further work on myself, gave me self-acceptance and worth to dig deeper into my journey.
2. Work on your Self-Esteem
- Fire your inner critic! Just do it! Or send them on vacation. They have overworked themselves for way too many years. Instead, try to let go of every self-depriving thought.
- How do you talk to yourself? Be kind to yourself. How you talk to yourself is important, say kind things, and yes, start giving yourself pep talks! You are an awesome human being that’s trying their best at the moment
- Nourish a growth mindset, every experience takes you one step closer to your goal. We are humans, we are curious, learn every day new things, and grow.
- Write down your achievements, every little one of them!
- Information: read, watch and listen. I think learning more about the topic can help you realize that you are not alone and that’s ok to seek help.3. Therapy
3. Therapy
Have you been working on yourself alone? Accepting and is in my opinion one big step to self-love and happiness. For a maladaptive critic, Cognitive-Behavioral-based therapy (CBT) works best.
4. Just try
Step out of your comfort zone, and just do the things you are afraid to.
- Learn a new skill
- Do something imperfectly!
- Break down your dream and start going
I know this one is really difficult, but to change your old patterns you need to make new ones and practice them. All the theoretical knowledge won’t help you if you don’t practice. This takes time, is difficult but if you informed yourself or/ and are in therapy you have a toolbox that’s full and is going to help you!
Remember, you are not expected to be “perfect” all the time, it’s ok to make mistakes, take time off and take time for yourself. You are awesome!
